yeah, im that into it

9:17pm: tuesday night
went to work.
thought about killing eileen.
came home.
cleaned house.
started to cook.
needed more stuff.
basket bike to market.

a cascade of leaves washes the sin away

got back to the house.
put on World War XXIV.
am finishing cooking now...

dinner with the wife soon.

my life is ruling.

12:23pm: sick again...
all i wanted was to sing a little.
damnit.

8:36pm: I am waiting for you again here. Tonight was supposed to be time for the two of us. It really hurts my fucking feelings that you are not here right now! Where are you?!? This is so dumb, I am not even sure why I waste my time with you anymore. Lets not lie to each other... the love is fucking gone.

8:40pm: hell yeah, fake thanksgiving
sunny bbqs
ian ian ian ian ian !

today is awsome!!!

11:40am: i need to put this somewhere, and this came to mind.
4-6 servings
Time 1 hour 10 minutes
Tools
medium sauce pan or Dutch oven with lid
wooden spoon
cookie sheet

Ingredients
1 T olive oil
3 medium onions, thinly sliced
3 c leeks, well-cleaned and chopped
¾ c shallots, minced
6 cloves garlic, minced
4 medium scallions, chopped
6 c strong vegetable stock
1 T soy sauce
1 T molasses
1½ t salt
pepper
1 batch croutons
fresh chives, chopped

Directions
Heat the oil over low heat, add onions and leeks, and sauté until soft, about 10 minutes.
Add shallots, garlic, and scallions and cook, stirring occasionally, for 20 minutes. Increase to medium heat and continue cooking for 10 minutes, until onions are brown. Use the spatula to release any onions that stick to the bottom of the pan.

Stir in stock, soy sauce, and molasses, cover, and bring to boil. Add salt, partially cover, lower heat, and simmer for 30 minutes. Stir in pepper, taste, and adjust seasonings. You can also add more stock if you prefer a thinner soup.

Serve hot, topped with croutons and chives.

5:54pm: broken chain

1:30am: today i:
woke up in a bundle of sweatshirts
cleaned my house
went to coffee
went to lunch with courtney and rosie
stole food for my shift
went to long haul
hungout with an old friend
came home
watched simpsons
talked with ian
tried to sleep
couldn't
tried to make myself sleepy

(this morning)

11:49pm: what the fuck
I'm a fucking jerk.
I thinkIi always expect to much.
I feel like shit, damnit.

today was supposed to be date night. We can't possible have a "romantic" time during a time set aside JUST FOR ROMANCE. I expect to fucking much. I am a person impossible to satisfy. I don;t really know what to do. I fucking love our time together. I really do love you. The only problem is, I am feeling so lost at sea. I want you so bad. I want you to understand. I really want this to work, but I need more. shit. I want I want I want...

damnit.
fuck
shit.
I wish I could just hurry up and go to fucking sleep.

10:01pm: sunday
today I:
woke up late
drove to the bike co-op
took out a headset
put it on Ian's new bike
Installed a new BB on the same new bike
fought with ian
went to courtney's birthday party for one beer only
drove to go baby sit
babysat (the family that i am baby sitting for just hit my car and left a basketball sized dent to boot)
typed this bullshit

...
I want to go home!!!!!!

3:27pm: fridays off
Im sitting in the kitchen, listening to Ian sing some Townes Van Zandt


that shit makes me cry

4:03pm: what am I to do with an afternoon?
Today I:
woke up
rode my bike to work
taught children to sew
drank some coffee
taught a class about solar technology to different children
rode my bike home
sat around
got kinda bummed
hopped on my bike again
rode to indian rock
felt small
rode home
can't shake that empty feeling
put some food in my belly
read The Road
lost my fucking glasses
got on the computer...

...wrote this stupid list.

I am a afternoon murderer

2:00pm: my head is going to explode
it hurts so bad. I don't want to cry at work.

2:48pm: So, i got laid off the other week.
Im still totally in denial about it. I'm heart broken about it.

12:42pm: today is a good day
the weather is fucking perfect
i had a great lunch
IAN GOT A JOB WITH SPECIAL T!!!
Im going to the city tonight for a show at annie's
I have a nice tan setting in :)
Im just a happy girl!

1:48pm: yesterday, i was really upset. I thought that a friend was TOTALLY talking shit. She was. We talked about it at my dinner party, and resolved alot of things. Thanks to all that gave me support, here and through other avenues.

17 people at my house last night, fuck yea!

12:23pm: clenched fists and angry fucking tears...
I can't help but feel like shit today. I feel like I'm being attacked from every angle of life. I feel like shit, and i don't know what to do to make myself feel better. I am supposed to have a dinner at my house tonight, but I really don't feel like feeding people that talk shit. Fill your mouths with food, so you can keep your opinions to your own damn self.

fuck you guys. fuck you for being so superficial. fuck you for not telling me to my face. fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.

whatever. being mad won't help anything. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of feeling like I need to justify myself to you. I thought that our relationship was stronger then that.




this is fucking stupid.

3:06pm: portland, day 3
sitting in a music store, listening to Ian play a 12 string.

falling in love with his fucking voice...

11:50am: i have no better place to put this..
I cant fucking wait ...
to land
to grab pumpkin
to run out of the airport
to dive into your embrace

i have missed you the days that you have been gone so very much!


ok, enough gushing...

1:51pm: bear puppy vs. mouse puppy
Um.


fuck yeah.
you're so awesome, how'd you get to be so cute?

on another note, i need to understand that some people do not understand my kind of love. I am a tribes woman, a community minded individual that only wants the betterment and sustainment of the people that I love. All we have is each other, thats all.

"and in the final hour, we will stand before a sun that will burn our bodies,
BURN TOGETHER AS ONE.
Forever will be, as long as our love lasts"

12:42pm: rose city
Im going to portland on the 16th-22nd.
Im bringing pumpkin.
Sanj will be there on the 20th, and we will party.
Ian is hitching up there to meet me a few days before I go.

fuckin' romance

2:05pm: I made the best food ever last night.
Vegan sushi- BOOM!

My favorite was fried yam, avocado, fake cream cheese and green bean... mmmmmm
a HUGE bottle of sake didn't hurt either :)

Im actually pretty happy right now. I feel like things in general are going rather well. I'm becoming so much more self-relient, and self confident.

Yay, Kate!

1:53pm: CoughCOUGHcouGHcough
i think i have strep throat.


owwwwwwww!

7:50pm: i like to
camp in my house with you.

3:57pm: bong hits and tepid black tea.
are the two things that keep me alive these days.

im very much enjoying my vacation, doing nothing is all i really want to do anyhow.

i went to lagunitas brewery yesterday. i got good and drunk in the middle of the afternoon...nice.

12:20pm: the single most romantic thing i have ever been told.
For you, I am a tree.
My roots are planted firmly,
providing you stability and security.
You'll always know I'll be right where you left me.
My branches are strong and plentiful,
each one provide you with a hug,
or the ability to climb higher,
to see new things.
Should you climb too high, or fall,
they are there to catch
and embrace you.

i love you